#40 – REGENERATION

So at around 5 plus in the evening yesterday, SK called from the office.
I was wondering why she wouldn’t come to my room personally to tell me then I realised that the news is bigger than that.

Yes, they’ve found a matching donor.

So all my thoughts are all over the place.

Let’s start with how I got here.
So we had a disappointment before. 40 days ago to be exact. It’s exactly why I numbered the posts this way so that I know how many days I had to wait for my next opportunity. As much as 80% is confirmed for the get go tomorrow morning but there’s still that 20% chance that it might not pull through. I’m not losing Faith. I’m just being realistic and not allowing myself to be brought too high and then too tough to bring back down. So technically from now till they harvest the organ in the morning, I won’t know how to feel exactly. Everything continues to jumble.
26 years of hospital life has been tough. Very tough. I can’t say I’m the strongest person alive. There are tonnes of people worst out there. But I must say that it’s been quite a ride. A ride that hasn’t ended yet. Hopefully with a detour of the tracks tomorrow, this ride will be shortened or at least reach the light at the end of the never ending tunnel. How did I pull through this 26 years without feeling suicidal, depressed or  sad for myself? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me, maybe my mind isn’t normal. But I’ll take it, my body isn’t born normal anyway. So why should I be normal? I’ve never been normal so let’s continue to be that way.

Before they bring me in tomorrow, there’s a lot to be said to those who have been with me through everything. The ups and downs, the highs and lows, the pains and the gains.

To my family. I’m blessed. I can never ask for a better family than the one I have now. They say you cannot choose family. If I get to choose, I won’t have it any other way.
To my Mum who has sacrificed so much for me. I can never be here today without your love and support. Today as we walked to the Kopitiam downstairs for a snack, I held your hand and I remember telling you not to worry for me or be upset as I’m not well and may complain of discomforts here and there. You said the heartache will always be there. But as long as I’m ok, you’ll be ok. So know that I am ok. I am strong and I will weave through all that’s coming without flinching. You brought me up to be strong and you know I never give up without a fight. This fight will be victorious for us.
To Dad who always finds it hard to express himself, a man of few words. Thank you for doing what you do for our family. Without you, I won’t be able to recover so well without worrying about my lifestyle or finances. Your support system is ever so strong that I know that it’s the best one. You are the pillar of our family. Thank you for being who you are, doing what you do.
To Kor, my hero. Thank you for saving my life. Even when they’re going to remove your liver out of me tomorrow, I thank you for sacrificing yourself for me. Without you, I won’t be here today. You’ll always be a part of me, always the one I look up to. I love you very much. Thank you for your protection, love and affection. Also thank you for bringing Amanda into my life. Her support and love is so much appreciated and I am blessed to have a sister like her. 
To Lewis, the ‘heartless’ one. You know I don’t really mean it when I call you heartless. I miss you so much that I wished you’d call or text more. But know that I’m very proud of you. No matter what you do in future, remember to always be yourself, be your best and never let anybody tell you that you’re not good enough. Because you are exceptionally awesome. I love you very much and my biggest present will be for you to graduate with the best grades you can get. I’m proud of you bro.
To Aunty who has been part of our family for the past 24 years, I’ve always seen you as my family. Thank you for your constant care and concern to me. Thank you for helping with Pepper and helping out whenever Mum needs a hand when she’s so occupied with me. I would love for you to stay with us and not go back. I will look after you just like how you’ve been looking after me.

 
To the Transplant Coordinators: SK, Yuhanis, Milton, Cindy and Hwei Ling included.
Thank you so much for all the hard work you’ve put in for me. I know that you all care for me a whole lot and have brought down many walls for me. You’ve fought battles with me and I know that you’ll continue to fight the rest of the battle through with me side by side. I really appreciate all the calls you all make, the tests you all line up, the forms you all print, the times we spent eating and pigging out, sharing our feelings. Thank you for wanting to get to know me just as much as I get to know you all. You’re all my angels. And I salute you all for your work.

  
To the Medical team of experienced consultants, doctors and surgeons.
Thank you for all your sacrifice and time for me. Thank you for constantly finding ways to make treatments easier, faster and always waking me up in the mornings. I appreciate all the work you have done, analysing my blood tests and graphs. Thank you for staying late whenever is needed for me. Thank you for personally coming into my room to check on me, making sure I’m ok. I trust that I’m in great hands.

To the medical officers that have watched over me: Dr Tay, Terrence, Dinesh, Isaac, Sean, Lionel, Melissa, and a lot that I’ve missed.
Thank you for staying late nights because of me. For all the blood culture bottles you all have to take. The needles you have to use. Thank you for being around whenever I needed help and treatment. And thanks to those who’s become personal porters even. It’s a long ride and the ride will keep going. So let’s ride it together and hopefully, you get to learn something I never get to, because I don’t go to Med school.

To the nurses who’s touched my life.
Thank you for responding to my call bells. Thank you for helping me up and down to the toilet and back when I can’t walk. Thanks for bringing in the bed pans, cleaning me and clearing my puke. Thank you for being here, away from your homes your families, to care for a stranger like me. To you, I’m just a patient. To me, you’re not my nurse, you’re my closest friends when I’ve got no company during my long stays here. Thank you for treating me like one of you, bringing me out for eats and hanging out, looking after me while we do. For the battle ahead, I’ll still need you all. I promise to not press the call bells so often as I did the first time around.

  
To all my friends.
Mentioning names is going to be tough because everyone has been special in my life and there’re just so many of you that I wanna thank.
Know that I will be out to see you all soon. And for those who stick around, thanks for doing so. Thank you for prayers and well wishes, gifts and greetings from all around the world. I feel your love and I need you to know that you’re important to me.

   
    
    
   
 

For the last lap, I wanna tell all that sometimes, God can slam the doors shut in your face, close the windows and shut the blinds down.
But you’ll never know when he will break the whole wall down for you.

Have Faith. Spread Love.

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#39 – Oxygen

Had so much trouble sleeping last night for the water retention is affecting my breathing. 

I can’t lie flat for I can’t breathe. But when I sit up I can’t sleep. 

So groggy today that I hope all the water will just flush out.

Note – ask for help to roll over 

#37 – Pumpkin

So I take it back. 

I’m not a lemon on a stick. I’ve bloated into a gigantic pumpkin. 

I look pregnant with triplets and the water retention is affecting my breathing.  

Not a good look for me. 

  
It’s so uncomfortable because the steroids makes me bloat and increases my appetite. But because I’m already feeling so bloated, it’s hard to eat a full meal even when I am starving. 

So some tips in case you’re in my shoes. 

  1. Eat small meals at a time 
  2. Spread out the times when you want to eat 
  3. Remember to still hydrate and drink water 
  4. Walking helps

#36 – Bye PTC bag

The biliary stenting seem to be doing really well. 

My liver function is improving and so far the wound is healing. 

This morning Sister Chua came in and removed he bag from my tube. No more drains! 

Finally, no more PTC bag! It’s such a relief! 

#35 РMissed the celebrations 

Meeting up with my high school friends have always been a highlight to me. I do my best to make it for our gatherings because we’re such great friends and we celebrate each other’s birthdays. I think it’s an awesome tradition. 

Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it today for am still in SGH. 

But they had a good time and hopefully the food was good. I know for sure, the company was excellent. 

Here’s wishing Ann Soon and Ling Fang Happy belated Birthday! 

   
 

#34 – Lemon on a stick

When I was on steroids, I had a puffy face and I put on quite a bit of water weight. Well, this time it’s the same. 

Dr Tay called me a ‘lemon on a stick’. 

Guess I’m back to that again. Hopefully walking around will help. 

#33 – Drugged up

So after my fever broke out yesterday, I’ve been infused with like 4 different types of antibiotics. And a lot of fluids. Plus steroids. 

It’s made me pretty puffy. It seems like I’m starting to bloat. Hopefully, the fever stays away. 

On the bright side, I’ve got someone extra special come hang out with me today. So it wasn’t just me and the drips hanging from the drop stand. 

  
Yes, Jacelyn is here for a couple of days and she was so nice as to come spend some time with me before her flight back to Canberra tonight! She’s so missed. So glad to see her. 

Distance don’t break bonds, especially when you don’t want them to.